


Like Poison

by itjustsortahappened



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Love, M/M, Rough Sex, Sex, Struggle
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-02
Updated: 2013-06-27
Packaged: 2017-12-10 05:29:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/782347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itjustsortahappened/pseuds/itjustsortahappened
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis wanted to lie to avoid the ugly truth that he’d been drowning for months, months now, that even when they’d been in the privacy of their own flat he’d felt his heart skip a beat, nervous that someone somehow would find out.</p>
<p>Hiding his happiness and pretending for so long had made a part of him despise their relationship; despise the part of him that loved Harry.</p>
<p>He wanted to lie to protect the beautiful boy in front of him but he couldn’t do it anymore. If he was going to lose him anyway he might as well tell him the truth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

__

_It was too high-pitched, too sweet and soft; the sounds coming out of her mouth were too pathetic. His head was blurry with alcohol, it all felt wrong and when she whimpered his name he pulled out and backed away from the bed, stumbling for the bathroom and started gagging over the sink, spiraling down. His hands were shaking as he wiped them over his face, skin too cold, chest aching._

_When he stepped in to the bedroom about half hour later she was already asleep, softly snoring, hair spread over the pillow like poison, flooding his mind, eating him up._

_***_

“You two, get your act together!”

Paul was barking orders at Niall and Zayn who were playfully chasing each other around the studio, wildly giggling. Louis was distracted watching them for a second before that feeling hit him again, like someone had punched him in the stomach but instead of pain he just felt cold and empty, like something was draining all the life-force out of him.

When warm arms snaked around him from behind he knew who it was without turning and he automatically leaned back into the touch, breathing in the smell that usually made him feel like he was home, but now only made him gag, the guilt eating him up.

“Let’s never fight again, ok?” Harry spun him around and pulled him into a hug as he softly kept mumbling in his hair, his breath brushing warm over Louis’ ear.

“I know I said some things that were horrible. I just get so frustrated seeing you with her, not being able to do this in public, showing people that you’re mine.”

Louis could feel tears well up in his eyes as Harry spoke and he buried his face in the younger boy’s shoulder to hide it, his heart beating so fast he thought it was going to jump out of his chest, the nausea still so prominent. All he could muster was a slow nod, allowing Harry to hug him, to place small kisses on his cheeks only to wrinkle his nose and pull away.

“You smell like alcohol, you know.”

Harry’s comment struck him like lighting, reminding him that last night was not just a bad dream, still feeling _her_  on his skin, not having had the energy to shower before he left the hotel, only able to sit there for the rest of the night, paralyzed. He pulled away harshly, glaring up at the boy smiling at him.  

“What? So now I’m not allowed to drink either?” He spat it out, voice so much rougher than he had intended and Harry actually flinched and then took a step closer, reaching out to trace his hand down Louis’ arm, finding and entwining their fingers.

“I’m sorry, ok? Can we please just go back to normal now, I really missed you last night, you know I don’t sleep well on my own.” Louis looked down on their hands, on how they fit so perfectly together, how Harry’s were so much bigger and how it used to make him feel so safe. He wanted that feeling back, he craved the security of Harry’s arm, the softness of his touch and the love to light up his life.

“I’m sorry too.”

It was hard to word it but Louis managed to force it out of his mouth, knowing that he could never be forgiven for what he had done, knowing that there were no magic words that would ever fix it, knowing that if he told the truth he would hurt Harry so bad he wouldn’t be able to function.

“Come on! Let’s get this day over with so that we can curl up on the sofa and watch a movie already!”

There was a kind of bounce in Harry’s steps that one would only get when solving an issue and happily moving on, their arguments never lasting for too long and never really being about them. This one had again been about Eleanor and standing up to their management and time stolen from them, time that was so valuable when they worked as much as they did.

The day passed in a sickening blur for Louis, every blinding camera flash, every forced smile, every time Harry touched him made this screaming inside him grow louder until he couldn’t handle it any longer and he had to run to the bathroom, hurling over the toilet, spitting and wiping his mouth.

 

***

“How about I cook tonight?”

It was Harry’s voice in his ear as they later walked toward their flat, having successfully gotten rid of all the paps. He’d been so sweet the whole day, all regretful and apologetic, trying to make Louis smile every chance he got, acting like he always did after a fight, not realizing that it only made Louis sink deeper down, blackness surrounding him.

“No, that’s alright, we can order something.” Louis couldn’t bare the kindness, knew he would break if Harry started cooking and doing even more for him than he would ever deserve again.   
As they reached their door and stepped inside Harry grabbed Louis’ hand and pulled him into a crushing embrace, making them both stumble and hit the wall as the door closed behind them.

“I’ve been wanting to do that all day.” Harry’s eyes were so full of love it made Louis’ head spin and he decided there and then that he could never tell him, that there was no way in hell that he could destroy this beautiful boy, that this was yet another secret he had to keep although this was different, he’d never had to keep anything from Harry before, it was always the two of them against the world.

The empty feeling inside of him grew stronger as Harry nibbled his ear and kissed down his neck, it triggered a sort of desperation to just feel pure again, to feel like he used to and suddenly he found himself turning them around and pressing Harry up against the wall, biting down on his neck, telling him to be quiet, he couldn’t stand the words of love falling from the younger boys lips, he just needed to forget, needed to lose himself.

“Bedroom. Now.”

He clearly heard the guilt and desperation in his own voice and wondered for a second if Harry could tell as well. If he could, he didn’t show it, he just took Louis’ hand and walked them both in to the bedroom, stopping in front of the bed, leaning down and placing a soft kiss against his lips which only made the spark in Louis ignite again, making him roughly push Harry down on the bed.

Harry’s giggle echoed through the room as he grabbed at Louis’ red hoodie and he mumbled something about it being a rough night tonight and Louis would’ve normally laughed with him but now he just wanted him to shut up, he just wanted to lose himself in the moment, to fuck all the emotions out of his system, to stop feeling for just a second, which is why he grabbed Harry and pushed him down harder, pressing his hand over his mouth and giving him a silent ‘keep quiet’ –look as he tore at his shirt.

When he’d gotten rid of all of their clothes he reached over to their bedside table and got the lube out, threw it on the bed next to them and in sitting back down between Harry’s legs he caught his eyes, full of lust, expectations and trust.

“Turn around.” He just couldn’t look him in the eyes, his voice came out raspy and of course Harry did as he was told, of course he trusted him enough for that.

Louis traced his fingers up Harry’s legs, spreading them slightly, sucking in a breath at the sight of him, losing himself in the touch of muscles, the perfection of his body and as he leaned down and placed small kisses on the inside of his thighs, working his way up and using his hands to open him up before he lapped over him with his tongue, a low whine escaped Harry’s throat.

He slowly pressed his tongue into him, feeling his muscles relax and tense, feeling the shudder run through his bones, curling up and lapping at him once more. He let his nails dig into Harry’s skin as he spread him wider, got his tongue in deeper and then moving away, coated two fingers with lube.

He was transfixed with Harry’s body, how he so easily fell apart, how he was ever so slightly grinding down the bed, looking for friction, moans already falling over his lips.   
Louis reached out and put one hand on Harry’s lower back to still him and then guide him up on his knees, head resting on his arms, face buried in the sheets.

The way this position opened him up made a shiver run down Louis’ spine and he pushed two fingers into him, a bit harder and with less preparation than normal, instantly angling them to press against his prostate, making Harry first cry out and shy away and then moan, biting down on the sheets.

Louis could feel reality creep back up on him and he let his two fingers slide out and reached for the lube to press some out in his palm, coating himself and forcing his thoughts to focus on the feeling of his own hand, slowly sliding it up and down.  

He got up on his knees and placed one hand on Harry’s lower back, steadying his movement and angling himself up to start pressing in, making the younger boy try to wiggle out of his hold, words of not being ready falling from his lips but Louis couldn’t listen, he needed this now, he needed to lose himself, he needed to replace the darkness with lust, he couldn’t stand another minute of not being buried deep inside.  

As he pressed in, feeling the muscles strain and resist him he placed his hands on either side of Harry’s arse to spread him more, nails digging in. Harry moaned his name, voice coated with both pain and pleasure and so much trust it made Louis feel sick and in the spur of the moment he let his hand roughly smack against Harry’s left cheek, making the younger boy cry out, becoming incoherent, keeping the loving sounds from escaping him, so he did it again, palm working Harry’s cheeks until they were red and until he’d completely pushed into the boy, buried deep, still spanking him, keeping those words of trust far away, making him into a whining mess.

He didn’t give long for Harry to adjust and started pumping in and out almost instantly, the second Harry worded some sort of complaint he let his hand spank down roughly which pulled loud moans from the younger boy.

Louis was fucking him hard now, using both his hands to hold his hips still, intently watching himself thrust in and out, transfixed by the look of his own slick cock disappearing into the boy, by Harry trashing around the bed, biting down the sheets, nails digging into the pillow, breath shallow and he watched as he reached a hand down to start touching himself.

But Louis couldn’t let him, he needed to be in control of this, he didn’t want those moans to change, somehow he needed it laced with pain. He needed Harry to feel some of the desperation he himself felt so he leaned forward and grabbed both his hands, roughly pulling them up behind his back which made Harry’s face push harder down the sheets, no longer having anything to support his weight. Louis adjusted himself so that he could hold on to both of Harry’s hands with one hand, letting his other hand strike down on Harry’s already reddened arse, only making Harry moan louder.

“Fuck, Lou, I’m gonna come.” His voice was so raspy and his mouth was hanging open, struggling to breath with his face pressed down the bed, eyes rolling back and Louis watched Harry’s body go still for a second only to tense up and he pushed in harder, angled himself up to hit that one spot over and over again, making the younger boy cry out, profanities falling from his lips as he came hard. Louis followed shortly after, emptying himself deep inside with the look on Harry’s face playing over and over again.

They both collapsed on the bed after, Harry instantly crawling up on Louis’ chest, hugging him tight.

“That was different.” Harry waited a second before adding, “Good… but different.”

Louis patted down his sweaty curls and hugged him close, worried for a moment, guilt filling him.

“I didn’t hurt you, did I?” Ironic, really, of course he had hurt him, just not the way Harry thought he was implying and when he felt Harry shake his head against his chest and place soft kisses along his skin before settling back down, his stomach turned.

 Louis felt the darkness creeping up again, making him feel empty, so guilty, eating him up and in desperation he shrugged Harry off and traveled down his body, which made the younger boy raise an eyebrow.

“What are you doing?”

“Just shut up and lie back, hand me a pillow.” Louis placed himself between Harry’s legs, made him lift his hips up and placed the pillow under his bum before grabbing his legs and putting them on his shoulders, all the while Harry watched him with a confused look on his face.

“Lou, we only just finished, my whole body is…”

Harry was interrupted by Louis’ tongue tracing from his entrance to his balls, dragging a moan from deep in his throat, still so sore, making him shift.

“Fuck! Careful!” Harry’s voice came out strained and he tried to wiggle out of Louis’ hold, hissing as the older boy once more lapped over him, nails digging into his skin to still him.  

All of Louis’ attention was focused on the noises coming from Harry as he let his tongue trace over his opening, tasting himself and lube but not caring, anything better than the thoughts threatening to take over so he grabbed at Harry’s legs and spread them wider apart, allowing him to press his tongue in, alternating between licking and pumping it, seeing Harry growing hard again only made him move with more of a purpose, solely focused on getting the boy off, using his hands to spread him wider apart, licking deeper in, curling his tongue to try to hit the right spots.

Harry had stopped trying to get away now, instead gripping at the sheets, unintentionally spreading his legs further apart, pressing against Louis’ mouth, whining and grinding, needing more.  

Louis’ tongue was starting to ache and his muscles felt too sore, he moved his mouth further up, licking at the sensitive skin just above and let one of his fingers slide inside instead, burying it deep, angling it up pressing in little circles in that one spot, intensifying his movements, feeling Harry tense on the edge of his orgasm, just needing him to let go and he dug his finger deeper in, pressing up harder.

Harry was chanting his name now, gripping at his own hair, broken moans and whimpers, struggling hard to let go again so soon. Louis changed his position a little to let out a hot breath of air over Harry’s length, making the younger boy grind up, so badly craving the touch.

“Lou, please…” It was a deep moan in the back of his throat and Louis licked up his length, taking him in his mouth, sucking hard as he moved his finger faster, feeling himself grow hard again.

Anger somehow still lingering in his body he pulled his finger out and angled himself up, Harry too much of a mess to even notice the movement but his eyes flung open when Louis pressed into him for the second time that night, crying out.

He felt Harry clench around him, saw his abs flex, felt fingernails digging into his arms and the younger boy cursed loudly, begging him to take it slow.

Louis was crazed, his hand finding Harry’s cock and pumping him hard, angling himself to over and over again pound in and up and hit the right spot watching as Harry squeezed his eyes shut and a single tear slid down his cheek. That made Louis freeze, reality crashing back down and he was about to pull out and start apologizing when Harry grabbed at him harder, grunting, forcing words out.

“Fuck! Don’t stop!” Louis was stunned for a second before starting up again, pumping harder this time, his hand aching from the movement and his cock twitching deep inside, the sounds coming from Harry so close to pushing him over.

Harry’s moans filled the room until he froze and grunted, cried out hard and his whole body convulsed, spilling all over his stomach, back arching up and eyes squeezed shut, mouth hanging open.

Louis continued all through his orgasm, letting himself go, thrusting harder, leaning his head down and burying it in Harry’s neck, sinking his teeth into his skin as he came hard, not stopping until Harry whimpered and his hands pushed at him, making him pull out and look down at the boy.

The rush of love filling his body was soon replaced by guilt and he stroked Harry’s curls softly, wiped at his tears to which the younger boy purred, cuddled closer, eyes already shut and half-way asleep, his body exhausted.

 Louis pulled the blanket over him before he got out of bed and stumbled to the bathroom, dry-heaving over the toilet, nothing left inside of him to throw up, leaning his forehead against the cold sink, trying to focus, trying to not let the emptiness consume him, trying to make the ringing in his ears stop.   

As he got in the shower he was shaking, scrubbing his skin raw, trying again to convince himself that not telling Harry was the right choice. 


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis wanted to lie to avoid the ugly truth that he’d been drowning for months, months now, that even when they’d been in the privacy of their own flat he’d felt his heart skip a beat, nervous that someone somehow would find out.
> 
> Hiding his happiness and pretending for so long had made a part of him despise their relationship; despise the part of him that loved Harry.
> 
> He wanted to lie to protect the beautiful boy in front of him but he couldn’t do it anymore. If he was going to lose him anyway he might as well tell him the truth.

Harry woke up to an empty bed, muscles and body sore but buzzing with satisfaction, flashes of earlier rushing through his mind, feeling thoroughly fucked but content, making him stir and call out Louis’ name in the dark.

When he didn’t get a reply he scrambled up and wiped at his eyes, yawned and got out of bed. He didn’t bother with clothes, feeling sticky all over so he just loomed into the bathroom and got in the shower, scrubbing himself clean whilst humming lightly, grimacing at the soreness but liking it at the same time.

He dried off and wrapped a towel around his waist, stomach growling, realizing that they’d skipped dinner and padded out towards the living-room where he could hear a movie playing. 

Louis’ eyes were fixed on the screen and he watched him for a moment - eyebrows furrowed, something seeming to be bringing him down - before clearing his throat, making the other boy aware of his presence. There was a flash of something in his features before he reached out for the younger boy, gesturing for him to come closer.

“I’m still wet though, I just wanted to check where you were.” Harry walked up to Louis, curls dripping wet and feet bare.

“And I wanted to check if there’s any food….? I’m starving! Someone fucked the hell outta me… that sort of thing burns calories!” He smiled down at Louis and traced a finger along his cheek as the older boy leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his exposed hipbone.

“So you thought…” Louis’ tongue swirled over his skin and he shuddered, trying to keep himself together. Food first, other stuff later.

“…that coming out here wrapped in just a towel…” Small hands grabbed at him and pulled him a little closer, mouth lingering over his cock and he swallowed loudly.

“… would make me want to cook you dinner…?” He didn’t even protest as Louis unwrapped the towel, lapping at his growing length before taking it in his hand, pumping slowly, looking up through long eyelashes.

“… and that this wouldn’t happen…?”

Harry watched him close his lips around the tip of his cock and grunted, his hands finding Louis’ hair, grabbing on tight.

“I really am… “ his voice hitched, “… starving.” 

“Mhmmm…” The vibration of Louis’ tongue against him made him curse and suck in a breath, not able to focus on anything other than the sensation rising up in his blood. Louis didn’t often just suck him off, he didn’t know if it was because he didn’t want to risk upsetting the dynamic in their relationship, but there was usually some kind of catch to it. Not in a bad way of course, Harry loved the way he teased him until he couldn’t handle it anymore, he loved the thin line between pain and pleasure and he trusted Louis completely.

He couldn’t help a moan falling from his lips when Louis’ flicked his tongue over the tip of his cock and sucked him in harder, working with more of a purpose now, making Harry’s knees tremble, holding on tighter to Louis’ hair, needing something for balance. He could feel it building up in him, that feeling that made his whole body buzz with energy, wanting to thrust into Louis’ mouth.

As he looked down at the older boy and how he worked his tongue over him, hands gripping to his hips to still him, he couldn’t help but notice something different about the look on his face, something desperate. Any coherent thought vanished from his mind a few seconds later though with Louis’ grabbing his balls and squeezing softly, letting one finger trail just behind them, making Harry groan out and all his muscles tense up.

“Fuck, I’m gonna…” He didn’t have time to finish the sentence as Louis’ sucked him in deeper, causing him to come hard, breath hitching and body shaking.

He came to just as Louis finished licking him clean, feeling like he’d forgotten something but in too much of a blissful state to even care.

“What was that for?”

A small smile played over Louis’ features before he replied.

“For looking like that in a towel, now go get dressed!” 

Harry nodded and stumbled in to the bedroom to grab a pair of sweats, legs still shaky with the after-buzz. Once he got them on he pulled a hoodie over his head and stretched as he walked out in the living-room again.

“What time is it even?”

Louis glanced up from the TV, “ it’s around eleven I think, you slept for a couple of hours.” He yawned and got up and as he made to walk past, Harry pulled him in and hugged him close, still a little sleep-dazed and content that their argument from last night had been forgotten. He buried his nose in Louis’ hair, breathing in the familiar smell of shampoo and home.

“Do you think they still do deliveries?”

Harry shrugged and grabbed Louis’ hand instead to drag him out in to the kitchen, opening the drawer with all the take-out menus.

“I think Dominos deliver 24/7, fancy pizza?”

Louis nodded and jumped up on the kitchen-counter, dangling his legs and giving a weak smile as Harry walked up to him with the menu.

“The usual?”

That earned him another nod and he snuck in between Louis’ legs as he got his phone out, letting a finger trace up his neck as he ordered and leaned forward to place soft lips against his forehead as he hung up. 

“They’ll be here in 20 minutes.”

***

They were sat on the living-room floor about an hour later, Harry worriedly glancing over at Louis’ half-eaten pizza, not used to the older boy not finishing his food.

“Are you ok?”

Louis seemed surprised at the question first and then cleared his throat and patted Harry’s leg.

“Of course I’m ok.” There was a strain in his voice but Harry decided to leave it alone, knowing that it sometimes took the older boy a little bit longer to get over their fights, knowing that sometimes all he needed was time so instead he pulled him up on the sofa and cuddled him close to his chest.

Louis’ body was a little stiffer than it normally would be but he shrugged it off and pushed down the feeling growing in his gut, reaching for the remote and landing on some movie playing on BBC, already feeling sleep drag him under, nose buried in Louis’ neck.

He woke up a couple of times during the night; the first time to Louis sliding out of his arms, the second time to him cuddling up against him again, pulling a blanket over the both of them, and the third time to the sun sticking in his eyes and the TV blaring the news too loudly.

He stretched out and yawned, feeling rested, felt his lips curl up in a smile, listened for Louis and upon hearing the shower he slowly sat up and turned his attention to the TV, noticing that it was close to the time they had to get up anyways, just needing a moment to wake up properly, movements still sleep-dazed. 

“And love does seem to be in the air…” He focused on the chirpy woman on the screen, rubbing his cheek and making a mental note to shave, preferring stubble’s on Louis, allowing his mind to drift, thinking about how lucky he was, how special it was to have found the one person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. 

“We’ve recently seen photos of Justin and Selena getting a bit frisky.” The two presenters giggled together and Harry rolled his eyes and reached for the remote.

“They’re not the only ones though, it seems like someone else is going in the direction of expressing their love publicly.”

The scene on the TV changed to something that looked like a surveillance tape of an elevator, no sound to it so the two women’s voices were still clear as day.

“Here we can see Louis Tomlinson getting a bit too intimate with model girlfriend.”

“Stunning, she is.”

“You wouldn’t be able to control yourself, would you?”

“Although one could argue that this is not the image these boys want publicly, having a lot of younger fans.”

“To their defense they were probably too caught up i each other to notice the camera.”

“Young love, isn’t it just adorable?”

The voices blurred out for Harry and all that existed were Eleanor’s lips on Louis’ neck, working their way to his mouth. Him nibbling at her ear and then kissing her messily, her hands grabbing at his hoodie; Harry strained his eyes to focus, it was the red hoodie, the same one he’d been tearing off of Louis last night.

And that was the moment everything inside of him broke.


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis wanted to lie to avoid the ugly truth that he’d been drowning for months, months now, that even when they’d been in the privacy of their own flat he’d felt his heart skip a beat, nervous that someone somehow would find out.
> 
> Hiding his happiness and pretending for so long had made a part of him despise their relationship; despise the part of him that loved Harry.
> 
> He wanted to lie to protect the beautiful boy in front of him but he couldn’t do it anymore. If he was going to lose him anyway he might as well tell him the truth.

_If somebody would have asked him he would not have been able to explain it, or maybe even remember it._

_He just knew that he felt when it happened, it was like something being ripped out of him, this terrible sense of loss making his blood turn to ice, making it hard to move, impossible to breath and he’d had to crouch down and put his head between his knees to keep himself from passing out._

 

Once he managed to snap out of it he dragged his feet as he made his way to the living-room, repeating to himself that he was probably overreacting, that there was just no way Harry could have found out, that he was being irrational.

When he saw Harry sat on the edge of the sofa though, head in his hands and body tense, the feeling came back, that rising panic that he couldn’t control. He sat down on the floor in front of the younger boy, trying to get him to acknowledge his presence.

“I had to turn my phone off.”

Louis raised an eyebrow in question, certain at that point that there was no longer blood in his veins, only ice, a small shudder running through him as he reached out to touch Harry’s leg, but he flinched away.

“The funny thing is…” Harry bit down on his lip hard, pulled trembling hands through his hair before standing up. “…that if you would have just told me that it was for PR, that you had to do it, that they made you, I would have believed you.”

“Harry…”  Louis’ voice broke and his vision was starting blur, the ringing in his ears more prominent.

“No.” Harry sounded distant, cold. “You don’t get to say my name like that anymore.” He swallowed loudly, shook his head.

“I’m going to go shower, I don’t want you in here when I get back.”

He started walking towards their bedroom and Louis scrambled to his feet and stumbled after him, grabbing at his arm, trying to make him see, trying to make him stop, to make him realize that he could never leave, that this was it for him, this meant everything to him, his whole world spinning.

**“No!”**  Harry raised his voice for the first time and pushed him away, looked at him with those green eyes that he knew so well, except he didn’t know this Harry, there was no love there, just hurt, and it scared him more than anything had in his entire life.

“Don’t you understand?” the younger boy’s voice broke and he turned his back, his shoulders so tense and Louis had to dig his nails into his palms to keep from touching, to not embrace him, to not rock him back and forth saying that it’ll be alright, it was just a bad dream, he would never hurt him, this was  _not_ _real_ , it couldn’t be.

When Harry spoke again it sounded so final, so broken.

“There’s absolutely nothing you can do to fix this. You  _lied_  to me. You’re the one person I trust the most in the entire world and you _lied_. It’s not even that you did it, that you let her touch you,” his voice hitched, “it’s that you didn’t tell me. I would’ve been furious Lou, but you know what? We probably could have worked it out, especially as I can see now how it made you feel.” He turned around to face Louis, arms tightly wrapped around his chest.

“This,“ he gestured between them, “this is the realest thing I have ever felt in my life and I would have loved you forever.” His voice shook and he swallowed loudly, “I never thought I would say this but I’m done. I love you but it’s over.” 

Louis’ hands started shaking, head spinning, he felt like the air had been punched out of him and he sunk to his knees, just trying to breath, he could feel his heart breaking; the pain in his chest so intense he had to wrap his arms around himself to not fall apart, it was making him light-headed and his world started spinning, darkness at the edge of his vision and if he died right then he wouldn’t have minded, there was nothing left. He felt trapped but so lost at the same time, like he couldn’t move but everything was moving too fast, he was too hot but trembling cold, too light-headed but heart so heavy.

“Lou?” Harry’s voice was soft, like a ray of sunshine in a hurricane, and suddenly big warm hands were on him, stroking his arms, patting down his hair, blowing lightly on his face to remind him how to breath, the ache in his throat so intense now.

“You have to breath baby, breath.” The ringing in his ears was so loud that it almost sounded like Harry was talking to him in a raging storm, not sure it was real, so cold, his teeth shattering, tasting blood.

“Shit Lou, here.” Harry’s soft hand was in his mouth, stopping him from biting down on his tongue, soon replaced with the sleeve of his hoodie, and then his head was pressed against a warm chest, familiar fingers trailing through his hair, soothing, rocking him back and forth as he tried to focus, tried to shut out the ringing, tried to force his lungs to work again but all that was playing in his head was this loud noise, all he could feel was terror and all he could think about was how he could not live without these hands, without this support and without the boy he loved more than anything he had ever loved before.

He had no idea how long they were sat there, everything feeling like a blurred nightmare. After what felt like forever he managed to get the shattering of his teeth down to grinding and he wasn’t shaking as bad anymore, it was more of a shiver.

Harry shifted and pulled away slowly, hand still soft on his arm, rubbing slow circles and Louis could finally speak, voice raspy and broken, sounding far away.

“I am so sorry.”

“I know.”

“Please, you have to forgive me.“

“Louis…” Harry’s voice wasn’t more than a begging whisper.

“No, you  _have_ to forgive me.” He could feel the panic rising up again, desperation in him that he couldn’t control, grabbing at Harry’s neck, two hands on each side of his face, pressing their foreheads together.

“You have to, Harry. I can’t live without you, don’t you understand? I’m nothing without you, you’re my whole life and it meant nothing, she means nothing and you mean everything and I love you so much, how can you not know that? You have to forgive me I’m so sorry, I’m so  _so_  sorry, please  _please_ …”

He felt Harry’s tears dripping down on his hands as the younger boy shook his head, pulled them apart.

“I  _can’t_.”

Louis’ teeth started rattling again and he tried to tense up to not let the shakes take over but that only seemed to make it worse, spiralling down.

The ringing in his ears louder until he realized that it wasn’t in his ears anymore it was the door and as Harry tried to get up he clung to him, not able to let go, trying to make him stay, maybe if he would stay he would understand. Maybe he could explain to him that if they were not together the world did not make sense. 

Everything after that happened so fast but so slow and in a total blur. He felt Harry leave his side and curled up on the floor, no tears, no nothing, feeling completely empty but burning and then Niall was there, making him sit then making him stand, leading him over to the sofa, wrapping him in a warm blanket, speaking softly in his ear, arm around his shoulders, TV playing some movie and as he slowly came back to reality Niall let him go for a couple of minutes only to come back and place a warm cup of tea in his hands, urging him to drink, to focus on the TV, to not think.

He came to about half-way through the movie, actually hearing what they were saying now and feeling the soft boy’s arm around his shoulder, he looked around which seemed to startle Niall and he asked the only question that was on his mind, the only thing he would ever care about.

“Where is Harry?”

He could feel the boy next to him tense up, shifting slightly.

“He’s with Zayn and Liam, mate. He’s safe.”

“It really happened, didn’t it?”

Niall nodded against him, hugged him a little closer.

“Let’s not think about that now, yea? Just watch the movie and we’ll deal with all the shite that’ll come with this later.”  

Louis tried to do as he was told, the figures on the screen looking blurred and un-real and the voices not quite understandable, the events this morning just playing over and over in his head.

“How did he find out?”

Niall looked uncomfortable.

“He watched the news, we all did. Look bud, nothing good will come outta talking about this now. You hungry? Want more tea?”

 Louis shook his head, understanding why it was hard for the Irish boy to talk about, his loyalty being divided between the pair of them, probably not knowing how to handle it. Not that he felt like he deserved anything anymore, once again wishing he could turn back time.

****

The next couple of days passed in kind of a blur with a few things standing out.

_\- Niall throwing his phone across the room after a long string of curses._

_\- Liam’s soft knock on the door and light embrace._

_\- Zayn’s hand in his hair and his gentle voice when he assured him that it didn’t matter that he got his t-shirt wet with tears._

_\- Niall snapping a picture of him lying face down on the sofa, explaining that he tweeted out to the world that he had gotten a bad case of the flu._

_\- The trends “#HowCouldYouLouis” and “#ElounorIsReal” on twitter that both made his stomach turn and forced him to run for the bathroom and throw up everything the boys had made him eat._

_\- The boy’s taking his phone from him, not letting him use it for anything, refusing to let him contact Harry._

_\- All of them taking turns in staying by his side, making sure he ate, making sure he got some sleep, rocking him as he over and over again spiralled into a panic._

It was a Wednesday when he finally snapped out of it, or rather when Zayn snapped him out of it. They had been watching Grease for the 100th time because he once again refused to go outside and as the end credits were rolling the dark haired boy turned to him.

“This might sound a little harsh,“ Louis watched as he pulled a hand through his hair and took a deep breath. “But you are going to have to get over it bro.” He let his hands rub over his eyes and shook his head slightly before he continued “or not get over it, but grow the fuck up. You messed this up, you have to deal with it, there’s nothing we can do to fix this easily. We _have_  to get back to work, we’re in the middle of recording and as much as I want you to take your time you know we can’t. You  _have_  to get down the studio tomorrow, they know you’re hurting but you know they don’t really give a fuck, money to be made and all of that.”

When Louis looked at Zayn he no longer saw the shy playful boy he’d first gotten to know, he saw all the work he had done reflected in his eyes, how tired he was and how much of a weight this was on his shoulders, deciding then and there that this was his problem, not everyone else’s, he had to deal with this on his own, he had to at least try to be strong, for them, for Harry.  


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis wanted to lie to avoid the ugly truth that he’d been drowning for months, months now, that even when they’d been in the privacy of their own flat he’d felt his heart skip a beat, nervous that someone somehow would find out.
> 
> Hiding his happiness and pretending for so long had made a part of him despise their relationship; despise the part of him that loved Harry.
> 
> He wanted to lie to protect the beautiful boy in front of him but he couldn’t do it anymore. If he was going to lose him anyway he might as well tell him the truth.

“I keep thinking…” Harry rubbed his eyes and hugged the blanket a little closer to his chest, “…that maybe if… if I do something as well… if I just go out and find someone… that maybe then I would feel better.”

He’d been struggling with what to do for the past couple of days, he felt so stupid, like he should have known, like there should have been signs that he could have read and that he should have felt when Louis stopped loving him with all his heart and gave a bit of it to  _her_. He wanted it back, he wanted all of Louis still, he wanted to claim him back, look her in the eyes and tell her that she could not have any part of him anymore, none.

He went between feeling like he hated him to feeling like he must have somehow been tricked into doing this, that it was again nothing either of them could control, this was just another part of the game that people seemed to play with their lives except this part was too important to play with and he could not understand how this had happened.

Nick sat down next to him on the sofa and handed him a cup of steaming chocolate before he leaned back and crossed his legs with a sigh.

“It’s so weird…” Harry gestured abstractly with one big hand in front of him. “it’s like… like I want to call him because I don’t feel good and he’s the person I talk to when I don’t… it’s like my heart…” He pressed his hand against his chest. “it’s like it doesn’t realize that he’s the one who hurt me and that really sucks because I have to keep reminding myself and I just want to forget… I want to be able to forget about him but…”

“Look,” Harry watched as the man beside him rubbed the back of his neck and took a sip of his drink before he continued. “maybe you should just talk to him now, ” He put a hand up in a gesture for Harry to let him finish when the younger boy opened his mouth to object. “I’m not saying forgive him and jump right back into it but you have to work together. You need to talk it out. Don’t you wanna know what happened?”

“No.”

“Harry…”

“I don’t, Grimmy, I mean it. I just want things to be like they used to. I want it to not have happened.”

“Well do you think you could do that? Act like nothing’s happened?”

“I don’t know. I really don’t. I haven’t seen him for five days now and we both need to get back to working together and yeah, maybe you’re right, maybe I should talk to him, but what if… what if it all just feels like it used to?”

Nick once more rubbed at his neck, looking very tired as he put his drink down on the table in front of them and got his phone out.

“You’re gonna have to do it sooner or later, you can’t keep taking turns at the studio, you know your team won’t let you keep this up for much longer.”

Harry let out a big breath of air and got his own phone from his pocket, fiddling with it and biting his lip.

“You know it’s 1 in the morning, right?”

When the younger boy just gave a short nod in reply Nick got up from the sofa and mumbled about giving him some privacy, disappearing in to the kitchen.

There were so many thoughts rushing through Harry’s mind when he scrolled down to find Louis’ number; all the good memories flooding in, making him smile but then the creeping feeling of that morning made him sober up and he stared at the screen, not actually sure if he could make the call.

_What if he was with her._

_What if he wouldn’t pick up?_

_What if he was with her?_

_What if this actually meant nothing to him?_

_What if he was with her!_

He cursed under his breath and decided to send a message instead, not feeling sure enough to call.

**01:07 – We need to talk. Are you awake?**

He bit down on his lip as he pressed send and felt a rush of adrenaline surging through his blood, ice filling his stomach and the tension made him jump at his phone vibrating only seconds after.

**01:08 – _Do you want to meet? Or should I call you? (how are you? I miss you)_**

He couldn’t stop the smile spreading when he read the reply but felt his stomach drop just a moment later when he again had to remind himself of what had happened, it was such a weird feeling it made his head spin as he chewed on his lip, trying to decide what he wanted, actually seeing Louis would be too hard.  

**01:12 – I think txting is good for now is that ok?**

**01:13 – _Of course_**

And then he typed out what had been torturing him every night he’d laid awake in his bed. He used to be able to talk to Louis about everything and this felt so odd, so unfamiliar to not know exactly what the other boy was thinking and feeling; it felt like talking to a stranger, like they would both burst out laughing in just a few moments, that it would have all been a bad dream.

**01:25 – Do you love her?**

Harry stared for a long time at his message before he sent it. Was this all that mattered? If Louis didn’t love her could he be with him again? People make mistakes all the time and the empty pit in his stomach was telling him that one little slip shouldn’t matter so much, the sensible part of him gone.            

**01:30 – _Harry of course I dont. Do you really want to txt about this?_**

**01:31 – it’s easier.**

**01:32 – _ok._**

**01:36 - _I don’t love her. I never will in fact I don’t think I will ever love anyone other then you. It was a mistake and I wish everyday that I could take it back but I cant.  This is gonna sound so cheesy but im not complete without you. Its like a body part or something is missing!_**

Harry swallowed back tears and took a couple of deep breaths before he quickly typed out a reply, too overwhelmed to think, too caught up in the love that maybe he shouldn’t feel anymore.

**01:38 – Ok. I will txt you again tomorrow. Goodnight Lou**.

**01:39 – _Sleep well Harry. I love you._**

***

The next night when Harry was lying alone in Nick’s guest-room after another long day working, feeling absolutely drained, so many thoughts were running through his mind; this had been kind of a safe haven for him, isolating himself from the rest of the boys apart from when they had to record, keeping the talking to the minimum except for that first day and night where he’d been in Zayn’s arms, too broken to function, too desperately upset to care that his tears and sobs were loud enough to wake the neighbours, not even wanting to think back on it now he shook his head and pulled a hand through his hair, sitting up a bit straighter and got his phone out.

The idea that the person he wanted to see the most was only a message away was haunting him and he couldn’t get the thought out of his head, missing him so much it hurt but also still so broken from having been betrayed by the one he trusted the most, rocking the whole balance of his universe.

Again he found himself staring at Louis’ name on his screen, tapping to quickly type out a message, not being able to hold back.

**00:15  - I hate that I miss you.**

**00:17 – _I can understand that. I miss you_**

**00:21 – this is so weird. I really wanna talk to you but I know I shouldnt.**

**00:23 – _you can say or ask anything you want Haz, I wont hold you to anything._**

**00:26 – I havent been able to sleep since I left.**

**00:28 – _I wanted to tell you that you should move back to this flat, I can stay with liam or find somewhere else maybe you will sleep better in your own bed_**

Harry studied the message for a while, playing with the thought of sleeping in their bed without Louis holding him tight and it almost felt like that would be worse than staying with Nick, more real in a way.

**00:32 – No thats ok Lou I couldnt sleep there either not without you.**

He yawned and stretched out, turning to his side and pulled the duvet over his shoulders, exhaustion making everything a little blurry, preparing for another night of confusion and nightmares.

**00:35 - _well just know that youre on my mind all the time and I miss you and love you so much more than you wll ever know._**

**00:37 - Night Lou**

**00:40 – _Goodnight Haz, just close your eyes and put your phone next to you, if I would be there my hand would be in your hair, your head on my chest trying to make you relax and listen to your breathing maybe tell you a boring story and you wouldnt listen to anything but my heartbeat like I know you do so maybe just think of that and go to sleep now and if you wake up im just a txt away. Sleep baby. I love you._   **

Harry blinked heavily reading the last message, a small smile playing over his lips and a sense of calm that he’d been lacking filled him as he melted into the bed, imagining his own heartbeat being Louis’ he counted lazily and fell into his first peaceful sleep for days.  

***

When they told him that he would have to be in the studio at the same time as Louis the next day he didn’t object like he had the past week, his heart skipped at the thought of it but he quickly pushed all those feelings down, reminding himself that it didn’t matter what he wore, it didn’t matter how he did his hair and it defiantly didn’t matter what Louis would think when he saw him.  

He arrived to the same mayhem it always was, waved to the fans with a huge smile plastered on his face and sunglasses hiding his eyes, ushered to move by big security men, shrugged them off the second they were behind closed doors and before he had time to react he was swept up in a hug that made him stumble and take a few steps back but the blond boy had him constricted and he sunk into the embrace, letting himself just feel the warmth that was Niall, not having seen him for a couple of days, working different times, Niall having done most of his hours with Louis.

He finally let him go, hands still on his arms and the look on his face reflected what Harry felt, dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep and a little paler than normal.

“I’m so sorry I haven’t been there for you!”

Harry opened his mouth to object but didn’t have a chance to get a word out.

“Shut up, I mean it! I thought I had to be there for Lou and got so caught up in that I… just… I’m sorry alright!”

Harry actually smiled for the first time in what seemed like forever, Niall’s concern warming him and he playfully punched the blond boy.

“It’s ok. I get it, don’t worry.”

He felt Niall’s hand on the back of his neck as he again hugged him closer, the strength of keeping up an appearance suddenly seeping out of him, feeling his own body tremble and his eyes water he buried his face against his shoulder and sobbed quietly, shaking his head and pulling away, not allowing himself to fall apart, not here, not now.

Oddly enough the Irish boy seemed to understand and reached in his pocket for his phone, holding it up for Harry to see as he was wiping his eyes.

“You should have a look at this video, it’s sick!” He let one arm stay around Harry’s shoulder, which Harry was grateful for, as they walked further in, pretending to be engulfed in what Niall was talking about he got away with just nodding at the people they walked past, not stopping until they were in front of the recording room.

“Are you sure you’re ready for this? I can fight them if you want to go. Louis is in there right now.”

“No… I…” Harry took a deep breath and prepared himself, “I’m fine… let’s go.”

“Ok.” The blond boy shrugged but kept an arm firmly around his shoulders, opening the door and leading them both in to the room where the rest of the boys were sat, all of their heads snapping up, everything going quiet.


	5. Chapter 5

As he was splashing cold water on his face he tried to compose himself; tried to get the image of Harry on the other side of the glass out of his head, not wanting to recall how his voice had broken in the middle of singing and how he’d just stood there, dumbstruck, staring.

The boy on the other side of the glass in the recording room looked like Harry, but he suddenly seemed like much more than that, like he’d grown harder in just a week, like he’d lost his innocence and trust, like he’d known real pain and was still standing, still fighting, and it took Louis a moment to realize that that look was because of him, he’d broken this beautiful boy and he’d never get his innocence back, he’d forever be harder, less trusting, more guarded.

As Louis stood up and reached for a paper towel to dry his face he got hit by a million flashbacks at once, staying in each moment for a few seconds, painfully clear;

_Harry’s face as he was sprawled out on one of the many hotel beds, arm thrown over his eyes and a content goofy smile plastered on his lips that one would only get after being thoroughly fucked, humming softly and quietly when Louis kissed along his jaw, praising him and breathing in his scent, also tired but so high on the feeling of loving someone this much and actually get to be with that person, lingering in the moment._

_“I miss you.” Harry’s voice was soft and a little groggy and it made Louis lean down and press a light kiss against his swollen lips, which enticed a small hum from him._

_“I’m right here, baby-boy.” Harry stirred and lifted his arm to gaze up at Louis with sleep-dazed eyes._

_“I know… but I’m falling asleep and you’ll be gone when I wake up….”_

_Louis sat back up a little and looked down at the beauty before him, drinking in as much of it as he could because he knew that it would soon be over, he would have to leave this sleeping boy to go meet **her** and Harry would once again wake up to an empty bed, which pained Louis more than actually having to leave, and on an impulse he reached for one of the many sharpies they had lying around and angled Harry’s arm a little to the side, the boy underneath him barely reacting, being so dazed with sleep and sex._

_A small smile played over Louis’ lips as he traced the pen across the pale skin, writing out a simple **Hi** , wanting it to be the first thing Harry saw when he woke up, almost like he was there._

**He shook his head and tried to get back to reality but the voice echoing around him was too clear.**

_“Come on, this way!” Harry giggled loudly and grabbed Louis’ hand, pulling him in to a narrow street, tall buildings rising around them, darkness, unfamiliar smells and that sense that you only get when you’re traveling, when you’re in a country that you don’t know very well._

_They both stumbled and giggled together as they got further away from people, from any risk of being recognized, from the harsh reality that they constantly had to deal with and Louis had butterflies in his stomach, the warmth from Harry’s hand spreading all through his body; from his arms to his toes, his neck to his chest and he tapped the little bump in his jacket caused by the small wrapped box that he’d secretly gotten earlier._

_Harry suddenly stopped, which made Louis stumble in to his back and they laughed as the taller boy wrapped his arms around him, burying his nose in his hair._

_“You smell like France.”_

_Louis poked the younger boy in his side and smiled before answering, voice laced with both love and teasing._

_“I think it’s the air that smells French actually, I should smell like my shampoo I used at home before we got on the plane over here.” He stuck his tongue out as he angled his head up to look into Harry’s eyes, noticing the pout on the younger boy’s lips and laughing again, leaning up to kiss it away._

_The kiss was long and slow, less careful than normal and Louis got lost in the feel of Harry’s lips against his own, how they moved, how he seemed to be so perfectly matched to him, how they fit just right together and how he could just do this forever.  
 After a while he slowly pulled away and reached into his pocket._

_“I have something for you.”_

_The light spark playing over Harry’s face was so bright that it almost hurt him; he was so beautiful._

_“For me?” Louis giggled as he got the little box out._

_“No, for the other boy that I’m kissing in a dark alley in Paris.”_

_The comment flew straight over Harry’s head and he curiously peeked down on the box._

_“What is it?”_

_Louis handed it over and watched as the younger boy opened it, revealing a simple silver ring._

_“It’s a promise ring,” Louis started explaining as Harry got the ring out and examined it, a small smile playing over his lips._

_“A promise ring, Lou? Aren’t we a little past that?” He teasingly raised an eyebrow and winked and Louis couldn’t help but smile and punch him lightly on the arm._

_“Not that kind promise, you dofus! Look, you wear it on this finger…” Louis lifted Harry’s hand up and put the ring on his middle-finger, leaned down and kissed it and then looked back up at him._

_“It means that you’re taken, you belong to someone.”_

_Harry studied his own hand and an even bigger smile spread over his lips, eyes bright and beaming._

_“I love it Lou, what did the engraving say? I could see it but it’s too dark read.”_

_Louis traced his fingers through the taller boy’s curls and pulled him in for a kiss, mumbling against his lips._

_“You have my heart, forever and always.”_

 

**He cleared his throat and threw the paper towel in the bin, pulled his finger through his hair and…**

_suddenly he was staring up at Harry’s hand, arms outstretched in_ _front of them, their fingers entwined, just looking, feeling so tired but so in awe of the boy lying on his back right next to him that he couldn’t quite close his eyes, tracing the lines in Harry’s palm with a finger, jaw slightly dropped._

_“Would you give it all up…”_

_The younger boy’s voice was like warm honey and he smiled just at the sound of it and waited for him to continue, so used to the pace of Harry’s thinking now that it didn’t bother him that it sometimes took longer for the boy to get his words out, just enjoying the soft touch and love filling the air._

_“Like… would you give up all the money and all the fame… if you could trade it… if we could do this in public… if we didn’t have to hide anymore?”_

_Eyes still fixed on their hands Louis sighed a little before he spoke._

_“We both know it’s not that simple, you know it wouldn’t just be losing the money we have now, it would be losing the money we spent… my mom would lose what I’ve bought for her… you know this.”_

_He felt Harry nod next to him and let his fingers trace down his arm._

_“I know. I didn’t mean it literally. I guess I would just… I don’t know… this whole thing… it would mean nothing without you.”_

_The way he said it was like he was just stating a fact, like it wasn’t anything that could ever change and that both scared and calmed Louis, terrified that he’d somehow lose this beautiful boy next to him but so happy that he felt the same way._

_“If it was all that simple, curly…. I’d give it all up for you.”_

_He didn’t protest when Harry rolled over and maneuvered himself on top, curls hanging in his eyes and a smile playing over his lips._

_“I love you.” Louis meant it with all of his heart, all of his being, and closed his eyes as Harry pressed little kisses along his neck and small words were mumbled against his skin._

_“Forever and always.”_

*** 

The door flying open to the restroom snapped Louis back to reality and his jaw dropped when he saw who was stood there.

“Surprise…?”

Eleanor’s voice was tinted with boredom already and her perfect hair and makeup made Louis’ insides turn.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” 

She rolled her eyes a little and walked up to the mirror, fixing her already styled face.

“They had me walk in through the main entrance, it’s supposed to look like I’m here to get you… apparently we’re leaving in like ten.” She pouted her lips as she applied lip-gloss and suddenly it all made sense to Louis.

The urge from his team that he’d come in a little early, them saying that they wanted to make sure that he got some work done in case it would get too much when Harry got there, which they insisted would be today, being far too understanding and he  _should have known_.  

Now it made sense why Harry was here for the first time this week, people still against them, trying to break them when they were already so broken, except it wasn’t them against the world anymore, those people had already gotten what they wanted.

And then it hit him again, with full force this time, almost knocking him over with the realization of what this would do to Harry, just how much this would hurt him, how he would not know that Louis had no clue, no part, no say in how this was planned. 


	6. chapter 6 - part one

It had hurt Harry so much that he’d doubled over when he had found out, when he was again buried in the arms of Niall, sobbing, trying to catch his breath, knowing that she was so close made his skin itch, not understanding what the point of this was. The Irish boy softly rocked him back and forth, cursing under his breath, holding him tight, keeping him grounded. 

_Had he somehow hurt Louis and now he was getting back at him for it? Was the love that he’d felt from the other boy not real? Was all of this just a big a game to him as it was to the rest of the world?_

**“Let me go!”**  His head snapped up at the sound of Louis’ voice and a loud thump against the door followed by a string of curses falling from what sounded like Zayn.

“I need to… ” Harry held his breath and strained to hear what was being said on the other side, wiping at his eyes with his palm but no more sound came through and he let his head fall back against Niall’s shoulder, the blond boy’s hand finding the back of his neck and hugging him closer.

***

The air was cold on his face and he pulled his hood up over his beanie, hair getting in his eyes and he kept his head down as he passed a group of girls, praying that they wouldn’t recognize him, and as they kept walking he let out the breath he’d been holding, pushing his hands down his pockets as he kept walking.

He hadn’t really meant to sneak out, after the studio he’d agreed to let the boys take his phone to keep him off the internet and when the day was over and he’d gotten back to Nick’s place the older man had objected against him using a computer, telling him to give it a day.

They’d sat in the living room once more, hot chocolate replaced with whiskey and the staring out in to nothingness replaced with Nick’s hand on his leg, pushing him to remember good things, pressing him to tell stories.

“There’s no use lingering in the bad past, you might as well remember the good things for a bit.”

 When he hadn’t gotten a reply out of the younger boy he had proceeded to tell his own stories, making Harry laugh with him, the list of long forgotten models that had made their way into Nick’s bed had been entertaining enough for the both of them for a while, but couldn’t keep his mind off of things for too long, so he’d just gone to bed instead, staring up in to nothing, trying to push down everything he was feeling but eventually it had just gotten to be too much, he had to move.

Getting out of Nick’s house without him noticing was a lot easier than he’d thought it would be and as he had closed the door behind him he only had one thought in mind; he had to see him.

The idea that maybe Louis and Eleanor were in a real relationship was eating him up, he couldn’t shake it, involuntarily picturing them together, laughing over how easy it had been and how happy they were and how stupid Harry was to ever think that he deserved something as great as what he’d had with Louis.

The desperation in him making his hands tremble in his pockets, this could not be happening, Louis belonged to him, not to her, he couldn’t lose him,  _he wouldn’t._

It was like his whole being craved the presence of the other boy, he could not remember his life before Louis, could not picture how it had been waking up happy without that extra weight on his chest and the mop of light-brown messy hair tickling his nose. All those mornings that he’d taken for granted felt so wrong now, like maybe they hadn’t belonged to him after all, like maybe it had all been a pretense  like maybe it wasn’t as mutual as he’d thought that it had been.

The memory of Louis stumbling around in the kitchen, slipping on Harry’s too long sweatpants hanging dangerously low on his hips, smiling and shrugging when the younger boy had asked him why he wouldn’t just wear his own; it was like that memory no longer belonged to him, like the feeling he’d had that Louis had worn his clothes because he wanted to be closer, even though they were already so close, was fake. That it hadn’t been why, that maybe Louis must have had another reason, like they didn’t share the same mind anymore, like nothing he’d felt made sense.

As he got closer to their flat he got more and more nervous, unwelcome thoughts in his head, wanting so desperately to forgive and go back to normal but then the picture of her hands tearing at his red hoodie, the smell that he’d somehow missed, taking over a part of Louis that she had no right to touch, no right to even think about. The idea that she had been able to touch Louis that special way he liked, that she’d somehow brought him some sort of pleasure made him feel sick, made him question if maybe she was better than him, maybe Louis liked small hands instead of Harry’s big, maybe he liked soft curves instead of hard muscles and maybe, just maybe, he actually like her more than he liked Harry.

Standing outside of the front door to their flat he took a deep breath, lifted his fist to knock and the door flew open before he’d brought his hand down.

Louis stood there clad in a loose-fitted jacket and eyes glossy with tears. He looked shocked at the sight of the tall boy in front of him, hand flying up to wipe at his eyes, mouth slightly open, lips trembling and suddenly it was like gravity, like magnets; they took the step forward at the exact same time and Louis’ arms were around his neck, he was up on his toes to hug him closer and it felt so right that it broke Harry’s heart into a million pieces.

 Louis’ hands were gripping at his hoodie, desperately clinging, pressing their bodies impossibly closer and Harry couldn’t get enough, he never wanted to let go, realizing that this was the only place he’d ever felt at home.

“I missed you…”

 

 

 

[ ](http://petrichorharbor.tumblr.com/post/43426811545)


	7. chapter 6 - part two

“Living room?”  they’d let go of each other and Louis found himself fiddling with the keys in his hands, Harry oddly enough feeling like a stranger to him.

“No.”

The younger boy shied away and his eyes darted around the hallway.

“Not the living room… I can’t…. I can’t go back in there, Lou.”

Louis mentally smacked himself for even suggesting the very room where it had all fallen apart and murmured out an apology as he led them through the flat and in to one of the guestrooms.

It smelt closed off and un-touched, didn’t seem like it was even theirs and he watched Harry look around the room.

“You know…” the younger boy picked at the plastic flower stood in the windowsill, “…I don’t think I’ve even been in this room since we decorated it.”

Louis nodded, the underline was clear; this didn’t feel like home. He’d wandered around the flat on his own these past couple of days, coming to the conclusion that it was far too big; he craved the feeling of safety and home, something you couldn’t get in a flat like this one.

“I only ever liked our bedroom and the living room.” Harry’s voice was low as he kept inspecting the room and Louis sat down on the bed, patiently waiting for Harry to settle, watching his back as he fiddled with something on the desk, biting back the urge to get up and put his arms around him, to ease his tense posture, kiss away the pain.

When Harry finally turned around to face him his eyes were glossy with tears and his voice broken.  

_**“You slept with her, Lou.”** _

It wasn’t necessarily a question or an accusation, it was just a broken statement and Louis’ blood turned to ice as he slowly nodded.

“I thought we were happy.”

The reality of it all came crashing down on him, Harry’s words sounding so final, like they’d never be happy again, like this was really it.

_And he wanted to lie, he wanted to say that yes, they were happy, but he couldn’t force the words out, remembering all the nights where he’d sat awake in bed, watching Harry sleep, not able to find the peace himself. The pressure over his chest had become a regular thing, often catching himself rubbing over it when it wasn’t even hurting, remembering that he had to see Eleanor the next day, that he had to talk about her in the coming interview, every little weight somehow settling in his chest._

_He wanted to lie to avoid the ugly truth that he’d been drowning for months, **months now** , that even when they’d been in the privacy of their own flat he’d felt his heart skip a beat, nervous that someone somehow would find out._

_Hiding his happiness and pretending for so long had made a part of him despise their relationship; despise the part of him that loved Harry._

_He wanted to lie to protect the beautiful boy in front of him but he couldn’t do it anymore. If he was going to lose him anyway he might a well tell him the truth._

_He started with explaining that night, how him and Eleanor had gotten drunk to the point of him telling her too much, leaning on her as a friend and how that had been his first mistake._

_She had listened, urging him to have another drink, saying that maybe what he felt for Harry was not real, that the reason he felt so trapped was because of him._

_And Louis had argued at first, getting angry but then just so tired, thinking that maybe she was right, maybe it didn’t have to be this complicated._

_They were already in the hotel bar so he’d been easily convinced to go up to their room with a promise from her to make it all better, easier._

Louis had to stop talking and walk over to the window to open it and just breathe, calming his heartbeat before he continued talking.

_She had said that they should just try, that this was the easy choice and for once easy seemed obtainable so when she’d kissed him he had tried so hard to get into it, to play the part that everyone wanted him to play, to be the person that they thought he was and would like him to be, not the disappointment that he really was now._

_He told Harry about how she had gotten their clothes off, how behind closed doors it had been harder for him to keep up the pretence but he was somehow too lost in it to stop now, spiralling down too fast to get out._

_He told him about how it had felt so wrong from the second it had started and how he’d stopped after a few moments, reality crashing down, how he’d spent what felt like hours throwing up and shaking on the bathroom floor and how he’d known that he’d destroyed everything, right there and then._

Harry had stayed quiet through the whole story, moving to sit on the edge of the bed, too far away to be touching, close enough for Louis to feel the sparks and energy between them.

When he still didn’t speak after a few minutes Louis shifted and sucked in a deep breath and just as he was about to continue the sound of Harry’s voice interrupted him.

“You should have told me.”

“Told you what?”

“That you were drowning, Lou.”

“I wasn’t… I’m not… I thought I had to be strong for you, I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“Bang up job.”    

“I… Yeah…I didn’t think…”

“That’s just the problem though, isn’t it?” Harry snapped for the first time that night, eyes darting up to meet Louis tear-filled ones, “you didn’t think. You didn’t stop to go  _‘oh maybe I can ask Harry for help instead of shouldering it all on my own!’_  God, Lou! I thought maybe you were just upset because of the whole Taylor thing but it was more than that, wasn’t it?”

Louis slowly nodded, Harry’s PR with Taylor had only added to it, again showing him how it should be, how people expected it to be. His panic and anxiety had started months before that and he hadn’t told anyone.

“What happened last week in the bedroom, when I had to call Niall… when you were on the floor… that wasn’t the first time, was it?”

Louis rubbed his hands against his own legs to just feel something, the friction reminding him that he was here, pinching his thighs slightly, just to stay in the moment, to not drift off, his mind wandering to the moments he’d had on the bathroom floor, barely able to breathe and mind so cold that he couldn’t grasp any clear thoughts, Harry asleep in the next room, blissfully unaware.

“ **Hey!!**  It wasn’t the first time, was it?”

Louis jumped a little and then shook his head and dipped it in shame, he should be stronger than this, he shouldn’t be the one who lets the panic take hold and drag him under, not when he had everything he could ask for, not when he had no right to feel like he was feeling.

“How long?”

He shrugged but that only made Harry repeat the question so he actually searched his memory, trying to remember when it’d started.

“Maybe six months? Something like that.”

He forced out a smile to try to make it easier, dug in his mind for something else to talk about, feeling like this was too dangerous to tread on, he hated feeling weak and out of control. He hadn’t even noticed how they’d both gravitated closer to each other, knees now touching and he flinched when Harry reached out to put a hand on his cheek, angling his face up, thumb stroking his jaw.

Louis found himself lost in the moment; all he could feel was Harry’s hand on his skin and the pressing exhaustion from talking for so long, his eyelids heavy, seeing his own lack of energy in Harry’s eyes as well.

“Do you want me to go? I can stay with Liam or someone, this is your flat too.”

His voice came out ragged and he leaned in to the touch a bit more, watching as Harry blinked heavily before he pulled his hand away, letting out a breath and pulling at the duvet under them.

“No yet, I don’t want to be alone in here.”

Harry shifted so that he could grab a blanket that was thrown over the bedpost and draped it over them before he very slowly placed his hand on Louis’ chest and pushed him down on the pillows, grabbing his hand and arranging them so that he could press his ear over Louis’ heart.

“I wish I had known.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I am too, I should have seen that you weren’t ok…”

Louis could feel his shirt getting damp from Harry’s tears and he pulled in a deep breath and traced his fingers through his hair.

“Hey, Lou?”

“Mmm?”

“Just for now… can we just pretend for now that everything is ok?”

Louis’ heart broke at the vulnerability in the younger boy’s voice and carefully hugged him a little closer, burying his nose in his hair and the pressure over his chest eased up, all he could feel was the weight of Harry’s head and he nodded slowly before he spoke to the already dozed of boy.

“Yes, just for tonight. I love you.” 


	8. Chapter 8

Harry woke up to fingers softly rubbing his scalp and a heart pounding too fast under his ear.

He kept his eyes shut and stayed still, listening to the older boy’s staggered breathing and racing heart, and somewhere back in his mind he remembered waking up like this before, to Louis being awake, fingers trailing through his hair but he’d never questioned it before, never once had he thought that something might be really wrong.

“Why are you awake?” his voice came out raspy and he felt Louis jump and his heart skip a beat.

“Jesus! I thought you were asleep! Why are you not sleeping?”

Louis shuffled underneath the weight of Harry’s head and as he did Harry realized that this always happened, when he asked a question that might be uncomfortable he got asked one in return, distracting him.

He decided then and there that it was going to stop now, he felt like he’d somehow opened his eyes and the reality that he’d seen before had been replaced with something darker, something that had Louis drowning.

“We’re going for a drive.” he sat up as he spoke and extended a hand to the confused boy still in bed, pulling him up on wobbly feet, a plan forming in his mind. As Louis stumbled to his feet Harry’s instinct was to gather him up in a hug but he stopped the impulse just as he was about to do it and gestured for him to move instead. 

“Where are we going?”

When Louis stretched his arms up over his head and yawned all Harry could see was that little bit of golden skin right above the hem of his sweats and he bit down on his lip, reminding himself of why they were even in this room, gathering his thoughts and walked to the hallway, putting his shoes back on and grabbing the keys to Louis’ car.

“Come on!”

Louis scrambled out after him, a hoodie halfway over his head and the house-keys between his teeth, a look of confusion still all over his features but he seemed too dazed to argue.

The drive was quiet, Harry concentrating on the road, still being a little tired himself and Louis was looking out the window, seemingly more relaxed than he had been in the flat.

Harry hadn’t intended to drive as far as he did, but when he heard a soft snore next to him he kept going, stopping about an hour later in one of the parks around where he’d golfed a couple of times, parking so that they could sit inside and look out over the lake.

“Hey…”

He softly nudged Louis and watched the older boy slowly drift back and his eyes fluttered before he yawned and looked around, stretching in the seat and rubbing at his neck.

“Where are we?”

“Bedfont lakes.”

“What?”

“Bedfont lakes.”

“Yeah, I heard you, I just meant why?”

Harry opened the door and got out of the car only to take a seat on the hood of it, soon followed by Louis, the smaller boy crawling up next to him, watching him with confusion.

“I get stressed sometimes too… I guess we all do…” Harry scratched at his neck before he continued, voice low and soft, “I usually take a drive, or like… go somewhere people won’t see me or recognize me. Nature helps, Lou. I wish you would have let me help you before… before all of this… I could have helped you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying you’re sorry… it won’t… it won’t  _do_  anything. I _know_ how sorry you are. I wish you would have given me a little more credit… I’m not a child, we’re supposed to be equals, please talk to me like one. Tell me what’s been going on.”

“I…”

“I mean it, Lou. If we’re ever going to get this to work even as friends you need to be honest with me.”

Louis sighed and his shoulders fell as he looked around him and took another shaky, deep breath.

“What would you have done though, Harry?” he swallowed a couple of times before he continued, “you want me to be really honest? Fine. There’s absolutely nothing you can do. We’re bound by a contract and by so many other things, we’re completely in their hands. I know I agreed to Eleanor for our sake, not theirs, but it’s just gone so out of hand,” he gestured abstractly in front of him, “my whole life is so out of my control it makes my head spin. I love what we do, I really  _really_ do, but not being able to plan a week ahead or go see my mom when I want to… or see you out in public… I feel like I’m spinning, like everything is just spinning.”

Harry put a hand on Louis’ knee, rubbing little circles with his thumb, willing the older boy to breathe properly, to calm down and when he spoke again his voice didn’t have as much of a tremble to it.

“I just thought I had to protect you, Haz. I thought that maybe if I kept you outside of it, it wouldn’t feel as real… like… when I was with you I could pretend that everything was ok. It just spun so completely out of control, there are days that just seemed like a dream, a nightmare.”

“Well…” Harry lifted the hand he wasn’t leaning on Louis’ knee and rubbed his eyes, suddenly feeling so tired, “I know now… from what you told me last night… and even if we never get back to how it was I want to help.”

“Why do you even want to? After what happened…”

“Because I love you.”

“Yeah… but…”

“There’s no ‘but’ to it, I love you and it’s unconditional. A big part of me wishes it wasn’t but it is. I haven’t forgiven you but I love you and I can’t… I can’t see you like this. I have to fix it… now that I know how bad it is and now that I know I think that maybe I can…”

In all honesty Harry had no idea how he could fix anything, he just knew that the boy next to him was broken to the point of hopelessness, that if Louis couldn’t carry himself any longer he had no choice but to carry them both. His heart was still breaking every time the memory of Eleanor hit him but he pushed it down, this wasn’t about them anymore, this was about his friend drowning and he would do anything…

“You don’t know everything.”

Harry’s train of thoughts were interrupted by Louis talking, a bitter and humourless smile playing over his lips.

“What do you mean?”

“I saw her today…”

“I know that.”

“Let me finish.”

“Sorry.”

“Since the ‘sex-tape’ ” Louis air quoted with both his hands and his eyes went to Harry’s thumb tracing patterns on his knee, “they think that maybe it would be best…”

“What?”

“They think that we need to get engaged.”

“What?!”

“Engaged, safe sex and marriage and something like that… can’t say I really listened to them.”  

“And you agreed to this, Louis?”

When Louis didn’t answer but instead cast his eyes down Harry felt sick to his stomach, and angry. It was one of the first times in his life where the anger took such a hold of him that he felt that he could punch someone, just to get some of it out. Louis was under no contract to get engaged to Eleanor, they’d simply brought her in to be on the safe side, to make it easier. It had sounded so good when they’d pitched it to them in the beginning but now it was completely out of hands and Harry could for the first time understand the feeling of the world spinning out of control that Louis seemed to constantly have.

“We’re not doing this,” his throat was dry and he had to swallow around his words, nudging Louis a little with the hand he had on his leg, “are you listening to me? We’re not doing that.”

“Doing what?”

“You’re not getting engaged, Lou.  That’s just something you don’t fake,” Harry reached out with his other hand and grabbed softly under Louis’ chin to angle his head towards him, “I’m not letting them put you through this.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to talk to them and if they won’t listen to me I will get Liam to talk to them and if that won’t work I’ll ask Zayn or Niall. If the boys knew what this was doing to you… if I had known… we wouldn’t have let it go on for so long.”

Harry let his hand drop from Louis’ knee and slid down the car and onto the ground, taking a few steps forward and breathing in deeply he focused on the waves in the water, let it calm him down.

He sensed more than saw Louis walk up next to him, the smaller boy seeming to get lost in the waves as well, a quiet sigh escaping him and Harry wanted so much to just press him against his chest, to hold him and never let go but the broken part of his heart made him just shove his hands down his pockets instead to keep from touching.

“This is nice…”

Harry raised an eyebrow at Louis’ statement and the older boy shrugged.

“Apart from all the shit…. this…” he gestured towards the lake, “this is nice… getting away and just being with you… outside…. it’s nice.”

“Yeah.”

“I’ve missed just spending time with you like this…”

“I’ve missed it too… I’ve missed you.”

After he spoke those words a sigh rose and fell from Harry’s chest before he could stop it, the nagging tug at his heart still there, the want he wouldn’t allow.

“You know,” he turned around, walked over and opened the car door, the feeling of loss so heavy on him he had to let it out, knowing that they could never go back; that however much he loved this boy he just didn’t know if he could ever trust him again, something between them so broken and he looked over at Louis on the other side of the car, “I wish this changed things.”

“I know,” Louis slid in to the car, nothing other than defeat and understanding over his features, “I wish it did, too.”

They were both quiet as Harry started the engine and drove them out of the park, his mind not able to let go of the slight shift that seemed to have happened between them. It wasn’t a big step or anything really major, but Louis had opened up to him and actually shared some of the weight and even if it was now wearing him down it felt better than it had before, like maybe it wasn’t all hopeless. A part of him had grabbed hold of that little bit of hope and his mind was spinning slightly with plans on how to make some sort of sense out of this mess that they’d gotten themselves into, so engulfed in thoughts that he didn’t notice the car on the wrong side of the road, speeding towards them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback always really helps.


	9. Chapter 9

It all came back in flashes; one second he was sat in the car studying Harry, the next it was too loud, too bright and kind of foggy and then dark and then; Harry’s head against the steering wheel, blood tickling down his forehead, eyes closed and he tried to reach out and touch him to shake him to get him to wake up and laugh and shrug it off and it was all very much like those nightmares that he had sometimes even when he was awake, the ones where his heart was beating too fast and his mind seemed to make up the most terrible thing that could happen even though everything was fine but now when he blinked it didn’t go away, it felt different and moving his body sent a shooting pain through his chest that made his head swim and the last coherent thought passing through his mind that he could remember was _“there’s no way it can end like this.”_

__

 

He sat up in the bed, slowly and carefully shook his head back and forth to clear it, he’d been in the hospital for three days now and waking up was always the same, always filled with memories and frustration that they hadn’t let him see Harry yet, that he could only see the boys at certain times and that he was so pumped full of pain killers that his head was constantly blurry.

A broken collarbone and two broken ribs made every move painful but he’d gotten off lucky, according to Niall Harry had three broken ribs and one had come very close to puncturing his lung, bruises and a broken wrist along with a concussion.

“Hey, you’re up.”

He flinched at Niall’s voice and gritted his teeth together at the pain shooting through him but then smiled at the boy through the haze of his mind still running everything that had happened on replay. 

“So I hear,” Niall sat down on the bed next to him, pushing at the untouched tray of food, ’that this food really isn’t that good,” he picked a steaming bowl of soup out of a bag and put it down before grabbing the spoon off the tray, “and that you barely even touch it.”

Louis cleared his throat and looked away, he’d lost his appetite weeks ago and hospital food wasn’t exactly a great way to get back to eating and if only he could see Harry again then maybe he’d get it back.

Niall leaned forward, touched his thumb to Louis’ chin, pulled him out of the image of Harry’s bloody motionless face that wouldn’t stop playing in front of his eyes,

“You need to eat, Lou, you’re fading away,” and Louis was a little stunned when Niall’s hand gripped around him and turned his face towards him, the other hand holding a spoon in front of his lips, “open up, mate, otherwise I’m gonna feel like a right idiot!”

Louis swallowed loudly, having to really concentrate to push his pride down and open his mouth, letting Niall slowly feed him the spoon full of soup, the taste and warmth of it actually feeling pretty nice and comforting.

“Not too bad, eh?” Niall was already holding up another spoon-full for him and he let himself fall into the lull of Niall’s mindless chatter, only really having to occasionally nod, listening to what the fans were saying, the interviews that they’d had and how they were still fighting for Louis and Harry to both at least have two weeks off to recover, that Harry had been let out yesterday and taken to the little house close to his mom's, and that they'd agreed to let Louis out tomorrow. 

He swallowed down the last spoon of soup as Niall told him about how Liam had been in a heated meeting with them about the time off, all guns blazing and lots of shouting and he was so incredibly grateful for it, not thinking he’d have any energy to agree or disagree with anything right now and he dozed off to Niall’s soft hand running through his hair and words mumbled about Harry’s stepdad’s house and when he woke up Niall was gone and it was dark outside.

 

The past couple of days had passed in such a blur; he remembered his mom and sisters, the boys, Stan, but it was all very restricted and he’d pushed people away for so long now that it was really odd to have them try to take care of him, to let them in and admit that he was in pain and needed them and he gritted his teeth as he reached for his phone, craving the one person he felt like he could let in.

 

**_You awake?_ **

 

He looked at his screen for what seemed like forever, holding his phone over his chest as he closed his eyes again and dozed off, images of Harry's face and the crash again haunting his dreams.

 

When he woke up it was light out and he sensed more than saw the presence of another person in the room, felt the weight of the bed being pushed down by a pair of feet and he slowly opened his eyes to the sight of brown wavy hair, leggings and Eleanor's focus on the magazine in her lap.

"Good, you're up," she got her feet down and stretched, "they're letting you go today and we're supposed to leave together."

He pushed and pulled at his thoughts, still feeling groggy from sleep and drugs and not really feeling the need to reply he reached for his phone, seeing a new message from Harry made his stomach drop and this wave of nausea hit him as he opened it.

 

**Sorry I was sleeping. I know this is gonna sound crazy but I talked to my mum last night and I really want you to come stay in the cabin with me. There's a nurse here that comes by really often and my mum will check in a lot and its private and the last thing I remember is you bleeding and knocked out and I know I shouldn't but I just really need to see you.**

Louis let out the breath he'd been holding and a sudden sense of relief filled him, knowing that he'd see Harry today and even if things were still not OK at least he would get to touch him, to feel that he was really there and alive and maybe that would stop the dull sense of terror that had been like a constant background noise for these past days.

__

 

After about two hours he was styled and standing behind a closed door, Eleanor next to him, tapping away on her phone. It'd taken some effort to convince people that he was going to Harry's but Liam had backed him up and helped, a hand always steady on his shoulder and Louis had leaned in to the touch, taken as much strength as he could from it.

The original plan had been for him and Eleanor to go to his house and stay there but with Liam's help it had changed to them going out through the front-door and gettinh papped going into the same car and then drop Eleanor off on the way to Harry's, followed by some tweets that someone else would take care of.

It kind of hurt to breathe and move but it was good to stand up, to know that he'd see Harry in a couple of hours and they'd be somewhere where no one could see them.

 

"Right," Louis' head snapped up at the sound of a voice cutting through the silence, "it's time for you to go, it shouldn't get that crazy at all, just a couple of photos and a couple of fans to wave to."

 

And then in a whiff of security and PR-people he was guided out, angry flashes in his eyes and they somehow seemed more intense than normal, loud questions being shouted in his face, screams from young girls and he blinked, tried to focus on the car just a couple of steps away him but then he felt Eleanor take his hand and pull at him and it was suddenly too much, _too ridiculous_ and the fury he felt shocked him as he snatched his hand back, hissed at the pain shooting through his chest and growled out a _"fuck off, will you!"_ before he was ushered through a group of people and into the car, the flashes still blinding him but suddenly it didn't matter so much, he knew where he was going and even though the consequences of this would surely come back and bite him he felt oddly free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback always really helps, and as per usual, thanks for reading. (it also somehow seemed to mess up the format, but my computer won't let me fix it, so i hope it's not too bad)


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